Twenty-five refusals worth having ready before you need them. Not advice about saying no – the actual words. Take what fits, change the names, and keep the rest where you will find it again.
At work
The message that arrives at 9pm
Seeing this now – I will pick it up first thing. If it genuinely cannot wait until morning, call me.
Work you do not have room for
I can take this on. To do it properly I would need to move the other deadline to Thursday – which would you rather have first?
Being volunteered in a meeting
Happy to help with that. Let me check what it displaces and come back to you this afternoon.
The deadline that is not possible
That date is not achievable with the current scope. I can give you the smaller version by Friday, or the full one by the 12th. Which is more useful?
Asked to work through your leave
I am away those days and not picking up work. I will leave a handover note on Friday so nothing is stuck.
Asked to stay late, again
I cannot stay tonight. If this is becoming a regular thing, I would rather we looked at the workload properly than kept patching it.
Copied into something that is not yours
I do not think I am the right person for this one. Passing it to the team that owns it so it does not sit with me by accident.
The urgent that is not urgent
Happy to look at it. Is this urgent today, or urgent this week? That changes what I move.
With family
Advice you did not ask for
I know you mean it kindly. I have got it handled.
The visit with no end date
It is lovely having you. We are going to need the house back to normal from the 14th – shall I look at trains with you?
Turning down the event
We are not going to make it this year. Have a great one and send photos.
Asked for money
I am not able to help with this one. I hope you get it sorted.
Asked to host, again
We are not hosting this year. Happy to bring something if someone else does.
A question you would rather not answer
That is one we are keeping between us. How is everything your end?
The last-minute childcare assumption
I cannot do the pickup this week. Can we plan these a fortnight ahead rather than on the day?
With friends
Cancelling, without a story
I am not going to make it tonight. Have one for me – let us do next week?
The favour that is genuinely too big
I cannot take that on. I would do it badly and you would be worse off – better to ask someone who can give it proper time.
Someone turning up unannounced
I am right in the middle of something – give me a ring before next time and I will make sure I am free.
The friend who volunteers you
I would rather not be put down for things before I have said yes. Ask me first and the answer will usually be yes.
Asked to work for free
I cannot give it the time it deserves. I would rather say no than do it badly.
Anywhere
A call that is going to run
I have got about ten minutes and then I need to go. What is the main thing?
Leaving a conversation that is going badly
I am going to stop this here. I will call you at the weekend.
A call at a bad moment
Now is not a good time. I will ring you back at six.
The reply to a guilt trip
I know it is not what you were hoping for. It is still where I am.
The one you will use most – it refuses nothing and buys a day
Let me check and come back to you.
If none of them fit, build your own in three lines
Acknowledge – one clause, not an apology
I know this one is urgent.
State the limit – plain, no reason attached
I am offline after six.
Offer what you will do, with a time
I will pick it up first thing and have it back to you by ten.
Four rules that make the difference
- Never open with sorry. It tells them you owe something, and people collect on debts.
- Give no reason. A reason is a door. I have got a thing invites move the thing.
- Give a time, not a mood. Later is negotiable. By ten is not.
- Say it once. If it gets pushed, repeat – never rewrite. Rewriting looks like an opening.
When they push back
Pass one – repeat, do not rewrite
I know. It is still a no from me.
Pass two – name it, flatly
I have said no twice now. Asking again is not going to change it.
Pass three – leave
I am going to head off. We can pick this up another time.
Said flatly, not sharply – you are describing the situation, not accusing anyone. And leaving is a complete sentence.
The twenty minutes afterwards is where boundaries get undone. Do not send the sorry-of-course-I-can-help follow-up. Write it if you need to. Do not send it. Set a timer, do something with your hands, and let the urge pass.
Pushback is normal and almost always stops by the third attempt. Beyond that, nearly nothing happens – keep a note of what you said and what actually followed, and after a month that list will be more convincing than any amount of reassurance.
There are 34 more scripts, sorted by situation, in How to Set Boundaries.